Your Kids Question and Best Answers Part 1

Can I go to A friend's house?

Terrance's mother, Latanya, explained that Terrance (age 8) constantly asks if he can go to someone's house to play. "He knows the rule is that he needs to finish his homework before he can go anywhere, but it is still the first question he asks every day when he gets off the school bus. It drives me crazy because it seems to be the most important thing in his life, even though schoolwork should be!"

Most elementary-school-age children love to be social, and the older they get, the more social they become. By the upper elementary grades, it seems to be what drives them. Why is this, and how much should you let it control your child's life? Keep reading and you'll find out.

Uncovering the Meaning

As children mature into the upper elementary grades, their social needs become more complex. No longer are they satisfied playing with their friends only in school or in a group on the playground. Instead, they want to be able to deepen their friendships by spending time with other children one-on-one or in small groups.

As a general rule, this is somewhat truer for girls than it is for boys. However, older-elementary-age boys also begin asking to spend exclusive time with peers, rather than wanting only to be in large groups playing ball or running around.

In addition to wanting to form more meaningful relationships, children in the older elementary grades also begin to form friendship cliques-yes, the kind that are typically exclusive and often not especially friendly toward outside members. Although girls get the bad reputation when it comes to these cliques, they are not reserved for girls. I have seen boys left out of cliques-many of which are formed around sports prowess, knowledge of a TV show, or even an ability to play chess.

In addition to the clique, your upper-elementary-age child may also begin to explore the idea of having a "best friend" or several very close friends, either within a clique or instead of being in one. The capacity to begin bonding intimately in this way is, once again, more common with girls, but not unusual for boys. One tenyear- old girl told me that she has "bestest friends, best friends, and good friends."

Wanting to play intimately with a close friend (or small group of friends) or have a sleepover can serve many purposes. It is a way to solidify a clique, and also to affirm its exclusivity. As a parent you may not like the idea of your child being in a clique, but as long as the children in your child's clique are not hurting anyone else's feelings, bullying, teasing, being mean to, or belittling anyone, they are entitled to be friends with whomever they choose. In addition, playdates and sleepovers help create and affirm the bonds of best friends. They are a time for secrets and memories, for special codes and fabulous stories. They are not to be missed.

But what if they seem to be taking over?

The Best Way to Respond

Despite the fact that playing with friends is certainly valuable for your child's emotional development, it should have its time and place.

By all means, homework, activities, and chores should always come first. In fact if your child asks this question, relentlessly, every single day, you need to have a clear unwavering rule that there is no socializing until absolutely everything else is done first. If your child keeps asking, you may need to change the rule so that there is no socializing at all during the week. Explain that you changed the rule because he didn't stop nagging and that you might consider changing it back to "no socializing until homework is done" in a couple of months if he does well this way.

In addition, it is important to set up a few guidelines for playdates and sleepovers. This will help you keep control of your child's social life. Beginning to do this now is important, because it will be harder to start when your child is a preteen or teenager. Make an effort to set these guidelines now with your child.

"You need to ask me if you can make a plan with a friend, not tell me you have already arranged it. It needs to be convenient for my schedule."

"You can only have a playdate/sleepover with a friend after I've confirmed it with his parent."

"You can have a playdate/sleepover only at homes where I feel comfortable having you go; otherwise your friend needs to come to our house."

"If you give me a hard time ending a playdate (whining, crying, nagging for more time), I will not let you have playdates in the future."

By Joe Boujja