As a psychotherapist one of the weirdest things we tell people to do is to be willing to "feel their pain." When I was in therapy, I asked the same question they ask me: "Why should I feel my pain? Isn't it better to avoid pain at all costs?" Actually, a willingness to feel your pain is the secret of true happiness
. Here is why.
. Here is why.In my family, Sunday night is movie night. As a film buff, I try to find something my wife, my 8-year-old daughter, Maya, my 5-year-old son, Ethan and I will all like. It is a chance for some shared fun, and to grow.
Stories, I believe, are the best way to teach children
of all ages from 5 to 90.
I found a film on Netflix-On-Demand that looked like it would work. It was called "Where the Red Fern Grows."
This film, from 1974, is based on a 1961 children's novel by Wilson Rawls. It tells the story of apoor boy
from the Ozarks, Billy, who dreams of owning a pair of coonhound hunting dogs. With great determination he works for two years to save enough money to buy the dogs. Billy's hounds become known as the best raccoon hunters around.
Toward the end of the film, Billy goes out hunting with Old Dan and Little Ann. He gets threatened by a mountain lion. Old Dan saves Billy's life, but dies from his wounds. A few days later, Little Ann dies on his grave of a broken heart.
My wife and I had no idea that this would happen in the film, and maybe we wouldn't have watched it if we had known. We were all balling. My kids
were inconsolable.
My son, protested loudly through his tears. "I don't like this movie! I want there to be a different ending!"
My wife brought him to bed. I lay down with Maya, still crying, to talk about the lessons of the movie, to help her with her sadness.
We talked about the many things we learned from the movie and then we got to the end. We plan to get a dog soon. "Will our dog die?" Maya asked. "Yes," I said. "Do you still want to get one?" I asked her. She had to think about this for a minute. Then she understood.
The movie is told in flashback. Billy is a grown-up when he tells us the story of his boyhood in the hills with Old Dan and Little Ann. He remembers this time as the happiest of his life. How could that be, when it ended so tragically?
After his dogs die, as a result of their fame and winnings in hunting contests, Billy and his family are able to leave their farm and move into town. Right before he leaves he visits the grave and discovers that a red fern has grown there. In Indian legend only an angel can plant a red fern, and it makes that land sacred.
Maya and I talked about what the red fern means. We decided that it means that Billy was so happy in that time of his life because he had the love of his dogs and family, and because he loved them. Now we all know that dogs die, and we will all suffer grief and pain when they do. But if we want love, if we want to truly live, if we want true happiness, we need to be willing to feel that pain.
All too many people suffer lives of emptiness and regret because, in avoiding pain, they never get the most important thing we can have in our one chance at life: love. The red fern tells us that though we shed tears of sorrow for the loss of Old Dan and Little Ann, it is worth it, because it is only by being willing to feel our pain that we can have true happiness.
By Glenn Berger, Ph.D
Stories, I believe, are the best way to teach children
of all ages from 5 to 90.I found a film on Netflix-On-Demand that looked like it would work. It was called "Where the Red Fern Grows."
This film, from 1974, is based on a 1961 children's novel by Wilson Rawls. It tells the story of apoor boy
from the Ozarks, Billy, who dreams of owning a pair of coonhound hunting dogs. With great determination he works for two years to save enough money to buy the dogs. Billy's hounds become known as the best raccoon hunters around.Toward the end of the film, Billy goes out hunting with Old Dan and Little Ann. He gets threatened by a mountain lion. Old Dan saves Billy's life, but dies from his wounds. A few days later, Little Ann dies on his grave of a broken heart.
My wife and I had no idea that this would happen in the film, and maybe we wouldn't have watched it if we had known. We were all balling. My kids
were inconsolable.My son, protested loudly through his tears. "I don't like this movie! I want there to be a different ending!"
My wife brought him to bed. I lay down with Maya, still crying, to talk about the lessons of the movie, to help her with her sadness.
We talked about the many things we learned from the movie and then we got to the end. We plan to get a dog soon. "Will our dog die?" Maya asked. "Yes," I said. "Do you still want to get one?" I asked her. She had to think about this for a minute. Then she understood.
The movie is told in flashback. Billy is a grown-up when he tells us the story of his boyhood in the hills with Old Dan and Little Ann. He remembers this time as the happiest of his life. How could that be, when it ended so tragically?
After his dogs die, as a result of their fame and winnings in hunting contests, Billy and his family are able to leave their farm and move into town. Right before he leaves he visits the grave and discovers that a red fern has grown there. In Indian legend only an angel can plant a red fern, and it makes that land sacred.
Maya and I talked about what the red fern means. We decided that it means that Billy was so happy in that time of his life because he had the love of his dogs and family, and because he loved them. Now we all know that dogs die, and we will all suffer grief and pain when they do. But if we want love, if we want to truly live, if we want true happiness, we need to be willing to feel that pain.
All too many people suffer lives of emptiness and regret because, in avoiding pain, they never get the most important thing we can have in our one chance at life: love. The red fern tells us that though we shed tears of sorrow for the loss of Old Dan and Little Ann, it is worth it, because it is only by being willing to feel our pain that we can have true happiness.
By Glenn Berger, Ph.D
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