New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has lauded the wisdom of an 80 year-old priest, presumably a celibate guy and maybe even a virgin
, concerning what women ought to look for in a mate. How does a priest know? (See "An Ideal Husband," NY Times, 7/6/08.) Where and how did this priest obtain his insights about women?
Alas, it came from decades of counseling couples who had miserable marriages
. Therefore, he is actually an expert in how NOT to have a happy marriage. And, amazingly enough, he is parlaying these insights into a lecture series for young women. He describes in some detail how NOT to pick a husband
. He identifies traits to look for that signal big trouble. If women simply avoid candidates with these negative qualities, those still standing will, presumably, turn out OK. This seems akin to believing that health is the absence of disease.
Why not offer advice about positive traits
to look for? This might more directly lead to good husband prospects. How much fun can it be to search about for someone's bad qualities that could lead to ruin? Maybe it's all the same thing, I dunno. Seems an emphasis on the positive would be the better approach.
In any event, here are some things to avoid if you are a womanlooking for a husband
, according to the priest. All seem rather obvious - if you need a celibate priest who has never lived with a woman, let alone married one for this kind of advice, you might be better off staying single. At least for a few more years as you gather more worldly wisdom.
A guy who has no friends. Duh. Yes, and how about: Be cautious about young men
raised by wolves. (The howling at night can annoy neighbors.)
Avoid guys who squander money. (Yep, that's a good one. Who would have guessed?)
No cheapskates.
Watch out for spineless pushovers. Doormats are soon boring company.
No Mama's boys. (They might take Mom along on the honeymoon.)
If humorless, take a pass. This is toxic.
Avoid guys
who can't or won't communicate
. (Who knew feelings were important and worthy of addressing?)
Guys who have to be changed in some major way (e.g., alcoholics needing reform).
Guys from
dysfunctional or other problem families, like being part of the Mafia.
Dowd suggests this list tends to eliminate everyone, proving that life is unfair. While life is really neither fair nor unfair (that's a human construct we use to express the obvious - that there are no guarantees in nature that humans and other life
forms will invariably experience justice and fairness), mate selection is an immense challenge. The odds of successful marriages 
are, however, somewhat better than your chances to win big in the average state-sponsored lottery, but not by a lot. You can improve your odds by looking for certain positive traits
rather than negative ones. Also, use common sense if seeking advice on marriage - don't look to someone who has never experienced anything like it.
(Naturally, there is a possibility that the priest has had all kinds of experiences with women (and/or men, boys
and who-knows- what) but if that is the case it was done against social norms and the rules of the cult/order/organization to which he pledged not to do these things, so that would disqualify him to give advice in itself. It's not as if such things have never happened.)
You want to find a mate? Whether you or the other person you're looking for is male or female
, here are the basics:
Find someone you like a lot, who is fun and practices a healthy lifestyle.
Make sure there are common interests and a few shared passions.
Go for an extended test ride before buying. That is, try living together for a while before making things legal and thereby difficult and expensive to end. How long?
Don't look for someone to marry at all. A good match, when/if it happens, is a bit like happiness: It ensues from being out there being yourself, it does not often result from
Of course, it's good to get lots of advice from friends and others, even someone who has no experience at marriage, but you would not want to rely too much on the latter source.
For that, always look on the bright side. Good luck.
By Donald Ardell
, concerning what women ought to look for in a mate. How does a priest know? (See "An Ideal Husband," NY Times, 7/6/08.) Where and how did this priest obtain his insights about women?Alas, it came from decades of counseling couples who had miserable marriages
. Therefore, he is actually an expert in how NOT to have a happy marriage. And, amazingly enough, he is parlaying these insights into a lecture series for young women. He describes in some detail how NOT to pick a husband. He identifies traits to look for that signal big trouble. If women simply avoid candidates with these negative qualities, those still standing will, presumably, turn out OK. This seems akin to believing that health is the absence of disease.Why not offer advice about positive traits
to look for? This might more directly lead to good husband prospects. How much fun can it be to search about for someone's bad qualities that could lead to ruin? Maybe it's all the same thing, I dunno. Seems an emphasis on the positive would be the better approach.In any event, here are some things to avoid if you are a womanlooking for a husband
, according to the priest. All seem rather obvious - if you need a celibate priest who has never lived with a woman, let alone married one for this kind of advice, you might be better off staying single. At least for a few more years as you gather more worldly wisdom.A guy who has no friends. Duh. Yes, and how about: Be cautious about young men
raised by wolves. (The howling at night can annoy neighbors.)Avoid guys who squander money. (Yep, that's a good one. Who would have guessed?)
No cheapskates.
Watch out for spineless pushovers. Doormats are soon boring company.
No Mama's boys. (They might take Mom along on the honeymoon.)
If humorless, take a pass. This is toxic.
Avoid guys
who can't or won't communicate. (Who knew feelings were important and worthy of addressing?)Guys who have to be changed in some major way (e.g., alcoholics needing reform).
Guys from
dysfunctional or other problem families, like being part of the Mafia.Dowd suggests this list tends to eliminate everyone, proving that life is unfair. While life is really neither fair nor unfair (that's a human construct we use to express the obvious - that there are no guarantees in nature that humans and other life
forms will invariably experience justice and fairness), mate selection is an immense challenge. The odds of successful marriages are, however, somewhat better than your chances to win big in the average state-sponsored lottery, but not by a lot. You can improve your odds by looking for certain positive traits rather than negative ones. Also, use common sense if seeking advice on marriage - don't look to someone who has never experienced anything like it.(Naturally, there is a possibility that the priest has had all kinds of experiences with women (and/or men, boys
and who-knows- what) but if that is the case it was done against social norms and the rules of the cult/order/organization to which he pledged not to do these things, so that would disqualify him to give advice in itself. It's not as if such things have never happened.)You want to find a mate? Whether you or the other person you're looking for is male or female
, here are the basics:Find someone you like a lot, who is fun and practices a healthy lifestyle.
Make sure there are common interests and a few shared passions.
Go for an extended test ride before buying. That is, try living together for a while before making things legal and thereby difficult and expensive to end. How long?
Don't look for someone to marry at all. A good match, when/if it happens, is a bit like happiness: It ensues from being out there being yourself, it does not often result from
Of course, it's good to get lots of advice from friends and others, even someone who has no experience at marriage, but you would not want to rely too much on the latter source.
For that, always look on the bright side. Good luck.
By Donald Ardell
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