There Are Three Different Kinds of Discipline

I will refer to these as “authoritarian parenting,” “permissive parenting” and “democratic parenting.” I will explain the problems you will encounter if you use authoritarian parenting or permissive parenting, and why I recommend democratic parenting.
Parents who use authoritarian parenting are either using “authoritarian violent parenting” or “authoritarian non-violent parenting.”
Authoritarian Violent Parenting
I will describe the problems you will face if you use “authoritarian violent parenting.” All your control comes through spanking, threatening, yelling, humiliating, blaming, criticizing, etc. To do this means you control your child by physical or verbal abuse.
You can already see the problems you face with authoritarian violent parenting. Clearly the home atmosphere will be tense, rigid and oppressive. With this form of parenting, your children will often feel angry, hostile, scared or powerless, and will have low self-esteem.
Through authoritarian violent parenting children learn violence, competitiveness, lying and blind obedience to authority, and they end up having no self-discipline. What we then see in the adolescent  teen is a child who will likely rebel, run away from home, act out with fights, drugs, sexual promiscuity, etc. and become hurtful to herself or to others.
As you can see, in authoritarian violent parenting, the parents ultimately run out of power – just as violent dictators who rule countries with this same style eventually get overthrown.
Authoritarian Non-Violent Parenting
Now, let’s talk about the problems with “authoritarian non-violent parenting.” With this form of discipline, the methods we use to control our children include rewards and punishments. The rewards may include money, privileges, treats, toys, hugs, praise, attention, etc. Among the punishments used in authoritarian non-violent parenting include loss of privileges, withdrawal of love and attention, isolation, making the child feel guilty, etc.
So what children learn from this form of parenting is conformity, “apple-polishing” and deviousness, and they tend to lack self-discipline. Children raised with authoritarian non-violent parenting may feel resentful, angry, misunderstood and manipulated.
What then could be seen in the adolescent teen is emotional withdrawal, rebelling and searching elsewhere for unconditional love. Parents who practice this form of discipline most commonly complain that their teenager doesn’t talk with them. Thus, as you can see again, with authoritarian non-violent parenting parents run out of power.
Permissive Parenting
It’s worthwhile to say a few words about “permissive parenting,” for often parents find themselves “at the end of their rope” when using permissive parenting, as once again they tend to run out of power. In this case, out of frustration and lack of skills, the pendulum swings and the parent resorts to authoritarian parenting.
In order to get children to cooperate using permissive parenting, you would have to use pleading, bribing, negotiating, nagging, yielding, lecturing, waiting, self-sacrificing, rescuing and catering. In all of these instances, the real needs of the child are not addressed, and as a result, each of these is a form of neglect (neglecting to address the child’s real needs).
With permissive parenting the home atmosphere can be chaotic, exhausting, and inconsistent. Children learn how to manipulate others and develop no self-discipline, while feeling confused, guilty and insecure.
Children raised with permissive parenting can become selfish, dependent, demanding, whining, domineering, manipulative and irresponsible. Parents can also feel resentful of their children.
So, as you can see we recommend avoiding using “authoritarian parenting” or “permissive parenting,” for the reasons described above, and instead we recommend “democratic parenting.”
Democratic Parenting
“Democratic parenting” is all about connection and including the children in the process. For children to enjoy life and have good age-appropriate judgment, they must feel connected to other people and to their environment. They must feel like they “belong” and hold a significant status in life.
With democratic parenting, everyone has a sense of power – including the child. When the sense of power is shared with the child, there is no need for power struggles, making cooperation natural and easy.
The methods used for democratic parenting allow the home atmosphere to be relaxed, orderly and flexible. The parents provide unconditional love, modeling, encouragement, listening to feelings and natural consequences for their children, and meet their real needs.
In this relaxed home atmosphere, “problem solving” is encouraged. Regular family meetings in a supportive atmosphere are incorporated among the “problem solving” options.
Because the atmosphere helps children feel connected and loved, and the children’s thinking and ideas are incorporated in family decision making, children feel happy, secure, confident and well loved, and they tend to have high self-esteem.
All the while, children are learning self-discipline, responsibility, problem-solving skills, respect, natural consequences, intelligent thinking and cooperation.
What we then see in the adolescent teen is love and respect between the parents and the child. Because the child’s needs have been met, and she feels loved and connected to their parents and others, she feels no need to rebel or withdraw.