Question:
My husband and I use different methods. He tends to follow the authoritarian while I follow the permissive. I believe he grew up with this method being used in his own home and does not see anything wrong with it. Our household has become tense. I am not sure how to get us both on the same page. My thought is that if I start using these parenting styles my husband will see results and follow.
Answer:
Hi Angie,
Great to hear from you. Your issue is very common.
Men tend to use more authoritarian methods of parenting, usually do to how we raise boys and expect boys to be “tougher” in our culture. So, yes, often boys are raised differently than girls. Not only at home, but also by the whole of society.
This conditioning can mean that the father’s parenting style, may look more reactive and authoritarian. Though this is changing and men are re-evaluating their parenting styles and even working through some of their old pain that may cause this “armour” approach to maleness, that affects our parenting.
I recommend finding some useable Democratic Parenting “underlying assumptions” that you and your husband can both agree with, such as this fundamental developmental principle:
1) “When children feel connected to other people, they learn rapidly and have good age appropriate judgment.”
2) Children are also likely to express an exuberance and enjoyment of life.
And this is good. These are underlying assumptions that, perhaps both you and your husband can agree with and build new democratic parenting methods around. (Democratic Parenting is described further in the Happy Child Guide).
You will want to approach your husband as a “partner” in parenting and find a moment and tone for the discussion, that will lower his defensiveness to these new ideas. Lots of warm affirmations and open appreciations of the areas where he parents well and shows love, can help and is appropriate and lovely to share.
But this “underlying assumption” about “connection” will be a good place to begin and grow from.
Again, thanks for your wonderful question,
Isaac Romano
Parenting Learning Club, Senior Faculty
Ashley Ryan is a parent leader and parenting coach specializing in positive and gentle parenting strategies. She has studied with many of the world’s leading parenting authorities and continues to help parents live to their full parenting potential.
Visit Authors Website | Ashley
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